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Surviving the Holidays with Teens
By Lora White


Contrary to popular belief, teens don't lie awake all year plotting new ways to be difficult and drive the folks crazy during the holiday hustle and bustle. Between vacation, the excitement of parties and presents and the promise of a new year, teens are just as eager as grown ups to have pleasant, memorable holidays. So why do so many parents and teens find the season of joy marred by power struggles and conflicts that turn visions of a Norman Rockwell Christmas into something more closely resembling a Dysfunctional Families Anonymous meeting?


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There's no doubt that holidays with teens can be trying. But with a little thought and preparation, you can solve the holiday hassle before it starts, and take steps to ease the strain for the whole family.

First, be ready for whatever your teen might pull from his or her bag of holiday difficulties this year. The primary conflicts parents and teens experience during the season of joy are:
  • Disagreements about how the teen should spend his or her vacation time
  • A teenager's reluctance to visit relatives or participate in family gatherings
  • The condescending or negative attitude teens often develop about participating in holiday traditions that they once enjoyed
To the non-adolescents in the family, it often seems that teens adopt these complaints and attitudes just to ruin the holidays for everyone else. But, as with most stages of growing up, there is significantly more to the "I-hate-holidays" phase than simple a bah-humbug! Teens may have a tough time during the holiday season because:
  • They're bored. As much as teens complain about school, once their daily routine is interrupted by vacation, they often don't know how to fill their time. Too much togetherness in idle hours that are usually spent at school taking a break from the family can fuel conflict between teens and their siblings and parents.
  • They're struggling to define themselves and their place in the family. Family traditions and visits with relatives may once have made kids feel loved and safe. But as teens begin emerging from their roles as children, old family routines can seem annoying, silly, pointless, even demeaning. Rebelling against holiday traditions isn't meant to hurt feelings in the family, but is just a teen's way of saying, "Hey, I'm not a kid anymore! Now that I don't believe in Santa or get excited about new toys, where do I fit into all this holiday stuff?"
  • They're stressed. Teens may not have to worry about shopping and entertaining during the holidays, but they can still be under incredible pressure, especially if they're trying to navigate the vacation period between two divorced parents and/or stepfamilies. Generally, adolescents enjoy themselves the most when they are with friends or just hanging out alone. Being social with extended family can be a struggle, especially if they are conscious of wanting to keep peace in the family and not hurt adults' feelings.
Holiday Bargains

What's a family to do if a contentious teen makes the holidays about as pleasurable as a visit to the oral surgeon? You can force your teen to participate in all family gatherings and use idle threats to keep the attitude in check but the result is likely to be resentment and a bad time for all. You can bury your head in a red felt stocking and refuse to come out until January 1 (an enticing idea, but not very pro-active). Or, you can talk with your teen about striking "holiday bargains," and start laying a positive path toward a satisfying holiday for the whole family.

A holiday bargain is a compromise between parent and teen aimed at helping everyone get satisfaction and pleasure out of the season. You each give something and get something in return. Holiday bargains may mean that this year's season won't look exactly like it has in the past, but it will be more peaceful and relaxed. But don't wait until you're teen is balking about going to Aunt Sally's for Thanksgiving to make your bargains, the best way to avoid ruffled feathers and emotional outbursts is to make your holiday plans now.

Holiday bargains you might strike with your teen include:
  • Alternating obligations: If it's very important to you that the teen join the family at the relatives' for Christmas dinner, agree to let him or her off the hook for attending a neighbor's holiday party or church or temple events.
  • The option to bring a friend: Having someone his or her own age around can make holiday events bearable and even enjoyable for a teen. Let your teen bring a friend to one of your family gatherings, then allow him or her to accompany the friend in return.
  • Sticking to a time plan: It's not good for anyone in the family to have teens sit around and fester in boredom all vacation. Ask your teen to come up with ideas for some special things he or she would like to do over the holiday, and make time to facilitate those activities. In return, have a list of tasks or obligations you'd like your teen to take care of during vacation (cleaning that closet, wrapping presents, helping little brother learn to ice skate). Not only is this a lesson in equity, it keeps your teenager invested as an important member of the family.
In order for bargains to work, parents and families have to be willing to let go of some control over teens. This is never easy, but it's great practice for both of you, and is good practice for the teen's upcoming entrance into adulthood. Don't be surprised if you feel sad the first time your teen opts out of the neighborhood holiday party or prefers to have a special holiday meal with a friend's family. Changes are never easy, but you'll avoid a lot of conflict and pave the way for pleasant holidays with your future adult if you take a deep breath and accept that holiday togetherness comes in many different forms.

Special Considerations for Divorced Families

The holidays can be especially tough for divorced families and stepfamilies. Teens whose parents are no longer together may struggle with issues of loyalty, feelings of loss and stress over trying to juggle the expectations and desires of separated parents.

Many kids of divorced parents say that, ideally, they'd like to get together with both parents to spend the holidays the way they used to. If your relationship with your former spouse is comfortable, consider giving this a try. If new partners or strained feelings make such arrangements impossible, you can still make the holidays easier for teens by taking the following steps:
  • Create a holiday schedule. Parents and teens should decide together where the teen will spend which holiday occasion. Alternating events or nights of Hanukkah or Kwanzaa works for many families. It's important not to stretch teens too thinly, however--having divorced parents should never mean doubling up their holiday obligations.
  • Don't force old traditions on new family configurations. Don't try to replicate pre-divorce traditions with your teen in a new stepfamily environment. In stepfamilies, the point of holidays should be getting to know and respect one another. Place emphasis on playing games, watching movies, playing in the snow, and just hanging out. This is the best way to let new traditions evolve without pushing teens or stepping on already hurt feelings.
  • Spend some alone-time with your teen away from the stepfamily. For example, if you open presents with your birth- and step-children, consider setting aside a special present to open later with just the two of you.
If You Can't Be with Your Teen this Holiday Season

Unfortunately, divorce often means that parents are separated from their teens by many miles. If you can't be with your teen this Christmas because he or she is staying home or traveling to visit a distant parent, do your best to keep in touch and still make the holidays special.
  • Put on a brave face. You are going to miss being with your teen over the holiday, but try not to arouse guilt and worry in your child by showing too much melancholy and loneliness. These are feelings to share with other adults, not your teen.
  • Send a card or gift for every day of Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, or for the twelve days before Christmas. Small "stocking stuffer" gifts are perfect.
  • Send a basket or stocking of goodies to be enjoyed the week before the holiday.
  • Pick a special present to arrive before the holiday and be opened early.
  • Call often and/or send email messages and holiday e-cards.
Enjoy the Holiday Spirit

It's natural to want to hold onto our teens as long as possible. Making changes in family traditions to accommodate your children's stages of development may make parents feel irritated, angry and scared at first.

While it may be tempting to try to force teens to meet our expectations around the holidays, the resulting conflict is rarely worth it. It makes more sense for most families to use the teen years as preparation for the separations and new traditions that will evolve as young people leave home and build their own lives. This year, opt for a few planned, fun holiday occasions with your teen instead of forcing old patterns that build anger and cast a shadow on the season for everyone. Your blood pressure and your teen will thank you.
 
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